While I tend to err on the positive side of travel writing, if I were to tell you that all 14 days of the Retro Road Trip were a dream come true you’d have every right to abandon my blog on the spot.
Thus, in the spirit of honesty, I present the Razzies of the Retro Road Trip!
On a physical level, The Tunnels of Moose Jaw, are mightily impressive. An attraction that’s open year-round (a rarity along the Trans Canada, let me tell you), it offers two 50-minute guided tours: Passage to Fortune (the story of early Chinese immigrants) and The Chicago Connection (bootlegging during Al Capone’s reign). Both take place in a network of tunnels beneath historic downtown Moose Jaw.
We opted for The Chicago Connection, and were pleasantly surprised by the high level of set design and the use of animatronics. What fell flat was the story itself, which was told by a troupe of young actors who squealed and squawked in your face to an irksome degree. I mean, I love energy but good acting involves subtlety.
The worst part was, we emerged from the dramatization feeling completely unsure as to what was fact and what was fiction. Had Capone ever really visited Moose Jaw? Did he have a bedroom, complete with freshly-laundered suits, waiting for him? Why were the actors all talking in cheesy Chicago accents if they were living in Saskatchewan? Had we just seen a play, or a historically-accurate reenactment? For $14 a pop, you’d hope this would be clear.
I’m not going to name names, but I’m 99% sure that a certain Chinese-Canadian-Thai restaurant was responsible for my four day food poisoning.
The triple-ethnic hyphenation. NEVER the triple-ethnic hyphenation!
Suffice it to say, the four days were absolute agony. I consumed only Gatorade and Premium Plus and I moaned (in the British sense of the word) nonstop.
On the bright side, I’ll be starting a separate website with reviews of rest stop toilets. So be on the lookout for that.
Billy is running with a mitt in his mouth and a frosty tripod in his bare hand. From what does Billy run? The EFFING COLDEST GOOSE STATUE IN THE WORLD.
Seriously, when we shot some footage at the Wawa Goose, we nearly became ice sculptures ourselves.
Why so cold, Canada?
It’s my umpteenth day of food poisoning. I’m hoping to sleep it off and feel quasi-normal the next day.
We arrive at The Drake Inn, Canmore, Alberta, which has been recommended to us. The setting amidst the mountains is phenomenal. We have to check in to our room at the adjacent pub, which is busy but civilized. Looks like some people are having dinner after work. Nothing I haven’t seen before.
The room is above-average for a motel. I take a bath, eat a fistful of dry-as-cardboard Premium Plus and get in bed.
At 11 pm it starts.
Thump. Thump. Thumpathumpathump. Th-th-thump.
It’s not the usual motel room thumps, the kind that are guaranteed to end in about 15 minutes. It’s bass and it’s humping our walls.
“What the…?”
Billy picks up the phone and dials the “reception.” Nobody answers. He dials “pub.” Ditto.
So he puts on his shoes and jacket to investigate. The civilized pub has now morphed into a full-blown nightclub, with bouncers and a horde of twentysomething partiers queuing up to get inside.
Billy goes inside, where the volume is deafening. He tracks down the guy who took our money. Here’s a loose transcript of the words they exchanged.
Billy: Hey, as you know, we rented a room from you earlier.
Manager: Yeah?
Billy: Um, you failed to mention that it was going to be a club tonight, and the bass is REALLY loud.
Manager: Oh, uh, well, you know, the information’s on our website, so….
Billy: Your place was recommended to us. We didn’t look at a website. You should have told us it was going to be this loud. Look, I’m not telling you to turn off the music, I’m just asking you to ask the DJ to turn the bass down. We’re trying to sleep!
Manager: I can’t do that. That’s like telling a guitar player to not strum his guitar so loud.
Billy: He’s a DJ. He’s just playing other peoples’ music.
Manager: Well, I could tell him to turn it down, but it’s just going to get loud again anyway.
Billy: So you’re saying you have NO CONTROL over the people you hire to play music here?
Manager: Sorry, mate. If you’d like, I can refund you your money and you can find another place to go.
Billy: So you’re telling me you’re going to refund the money and we’re going to have to find a new place to sleep at midnight?
Manager: Sorry mate, nothing I can do.
To put this in perspective, look at the “website” he’s referring to. Does this look like it’s going to deprive you of sleep? And the line about “our relaxing atmosphere complimented by personable staff that always extend a warm & sincere welcome.” What a joke!
I’ve never felt so insulted by a hotel in my life, and, as you know, I’ve stayed at plenty of them both budget and otherwise. It’s as though they took our money then said “screw you.” What’s the point of having a hotel if you’re not doing everything you can to maximize the product you’re selling, which is…drumroll, please…SLEEP.
And once again, this site tips its hat to Sir Sturge, fish-in-chief at the Imperial Hunter Hotel, Bassano, Alberta.
Fantasy Conditioning Shampoo. FANTASY?
If this is your idea of a fantasy, you need to consult some adult films.
Late March, after a heat wave in Ontario that resulted in bared leg flesh all over the province, and this is how the road from Thunder Bay to Kenora looked.
I know some of you are going to think I’m a horrible beyotch for uttering a negative word about a friendly, honey-guzzling bear, but if I’m being honest I’ve just got to come out and say it: White River, Ontario, you’re really stretching it.
Winnie the Pooh came to be when A.A. Milne wrote a series of stories featuring a loveable orange bear that was based on his son Christopher’s teddy bear. This teddy bear was named after Winnie, a black bear that Christopher had seen in a London Zoo. Winnie (the black bear) was named after Winnipeg. So what’s the White River connection? Oh yes, let me see…the man who brought the bear to England acquired him from a hunter in White River.
Does this justify having Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne’s version, not a simple black bear) on every street sign? As far as I’m concerned, Winnie the Pooh is an English product. I mean, if White River wants to lay claim to him then the original teddy bear manufacturer had better get in on the action too. And the zoo. And the boat that brought him over. And the cage. What brilliant community crafted that cage?
Why, of all movie posters, does the Brandon, Manitoba bus station proudly display a framed copy of Turner & Hooch?
I invite you to speculate below.
I can understand feeling somewhat lifeless when you’re in Thunder Bay in the dead of winter, but to get a grave with your fries? That’s pretty macabre. Although it is a great deal….
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
The look on Hanks’ face alone makes that poster a classic. It’s as though he’s thinking, “Yes, I know…I promise to make up for this soon, like a few years, I SWEAR!”
re: The Drake Hotel’s website: “And the line about ‘our relaxing atmosphere complimented by personable staff that always extend a warm & sincere welcome.’ What a joke!”
Not to mention they spelled “complEmented” wrong. Also, “karAoke” (in the pub section). Always nice to see this sort of attention to detail. Hope you gave your own “recommendation” to whomever told you that place was “great”!
Loved this post.
I appreciate that you took the time to scrutinize the website, Steve. Thanks for backing me up!
In Will Ferguson’s “Beauth Tips From Moose Jaw”, he digs into the history behind the Tunnels Tours and finds that little, if indeed any, of the content is true. There appears to be very little concern for that fact on the part of the organizers. It’s an unusual situation, and while I’m not sure whether it’s unethical to blur history for the purposes of tourism, it is at the very least pretty weird. Ferguson also finds some real, lesser-known history just outside of town that is in fact much more interesting. Highly recommended read!
Really enjoying the site, and we will soon be following up with a few of your tips on our trip into BC next month!
Aha! So it wasn’t just a silly hunch! Thanks for letting me know about this, Adam. Makes me feel better about slamming it.
Hi
I haven’t followed your whole trip but enjoyed sharing the ups & downs of what I’ve read. We also had a fast run from Vancouver to Montreal mostly on the Trans Can. On whole the trip was most enjoyable but there were a couple of downs
1 a gas station in Alberta where an old codger floored the pedal in his truck and rammed my car as I went to pay for the gas.
2, Dryden Ontario, where the WiFi didn’t work and worse, the local tel. company monopolized the cell airwaves causing a blackout on my cell and coming into town, sulphur & brimstone from a smokestack permeating the air. Somehow, though, they managed to capture the best breakfast nook that we experienced on our trip.
Hey – for shame, criticizing poor White River for showcasing Winnie. Every town now needs its statue, give it a break !
{ 1 trackback }