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STORY AND PHOTOS BY REB STEVENSON
The Romans had their forum, the Greeks their agora and the Americans their shopping mall: with every great culture has come a public space in which ideas bubble, tempers flare and licentious rumours sizzle.
In England, the nucleus of chin-wagging is not the House of Commons, nor the vastly overrated Piccadilly Circus. And it's definitely not a dead-silent Tube car at rush hour (where the only way to override the awkwardness of vertically spooning a stranger is to completely deny their existence).
So the next time you're in England and thirst strikes, sidestep the familiar Starbucks and head to a pub to hobnob with the locals. Here are a few tips to lubricate your foray into the Ye Olde English drinking scene:
BAR-TOGRAPHY
· Find yourself a traditional establishment and steer clear of the nondescript chain pubs (J. D. Wetherspoon, Harvester and Walkabout, for example). They may be cheap, but they are pale imitations of the real thing and devoid of community spirit. Low ceilings with exposed beams and roaring wood fires in the wintertime – now that's the ticket.
· A staggering proportion of pubs today are brewery-owned and this restricts the selection of products. Keep your eyes peeled for a "free house," an independent, old-fashioned pub.
· You needn't focus on the heart of a city to find a decent tavern. In fact, most neighbourhoods have a "local" within easy walking distance where you will likely be the only tourist.
· Picturesque country pubs are a great option for jaunty daytrips and often accessible by public footpaths. Lately, many have been converted to "gastro pubs," with posh wine lists and haute cuisine.
· Nothing screams "fresh in from Heathrow" like plunking yourself down at a table and waiting for service. Psst: Prince Charles has a better chance of being crowned king than you do of getting a drink. Both food and beverages are ordered from and paid for at the bar.
· The most eccentric characters tend to hook themselves up to the bar for an alcohol dialysis session. Don't be shy: pull up a stool and join in. The unwritten rule is that if you sit at the bar, you're fair game for conversation.
· English pubs have little in common with their seedy North American cousins. Many literally feel like a "public house" in which the landlord has opened his/her home to the masses and everyone knows one another. It is not uncommon to see little old ladies, pizza-faced teens, dogs and kids harmoniously whiling away the afternoon. While the drinking age is 18, children are often welcome during the day.
· Let's face it, nobody's gonna turn their nose up at free money. However, tipping is not compulsory at pubs. Brits thank an outstanding barman or barmaid by offering to buy them a drink.
· Last call is early by North American standards: the bell may toll as early as 11pm. There was a time when pubs had to close for the afternoon but now most are open for the duration.
· Lukewarm, flat and brown: real ale sounds more like a sewage problem than a beverage but this is the traditional tipple round here. Real ales are hand pumped and often have silly names (Piddle in the Wind, Olde Home Wrecker, Butt Jumper, etc). Also known as "bitters," ales are fermented using a more natural process than modern lagers and can range from nearly-opaque to light gold. Some contain surprise hints of flavour like coffee, ginger and licorice.
· Is a two-tonne head exceeding your luggage capacity? Dodge the holiday hangover by ordering a "shandy," beer that is watered down with lemon pop. Ordering in half pints is also perfectly acceptable for a lady - and a male who isn't afraid of being branded a sissy.
· Ciders are also prevalent on tap, though if you don't fancy sleeping on a makeshift bed (read: ditch), it may be wise to check the potency before imbibing. Biddenden Kentish cider, for example, is 8 per cent alcohol, and a scant two pints have been known to result in memory loss. For a refreshing treat, scan the fridges for a bottle of pear or strawberry cider.
SOLIDS
· England's cuisine isn't unlike the average pub-going male: pale and a wee bit fatty. But Blighty's mealtime reputation is harsh. You can't beat a tasty pub meal (often priced between £5 - £8). English specialities include the "jacket potato" (baked potato topped with cheese, bacon, mushrooms, beans, etc), a "ploughman's lunch" (bread, salad, pickle, cheese and/or meat), sausage and mash, steak and kidney pie and various types of game (one pub recently offered up squirrel wraps…a very nutty idea, indeed). Fish and chips is best left to the local "chippie," which specializes in mass deep frying.
· On Sundays, most pubs offer a "Sunday roast" consisting of beef, lamb, turkey or pork, Yorkshire pudding and vegetables all smothered in gravy.
· The infamous "full English breakfast," consisting of thick bacon, sausages, eggs, grilled tomato and mushrooms, baked beans, black pudding and/or hashbrowns is ideal if you admire Henry VIII's waistline.
· Desserts are often referred to as "puddings," even if they bear no resemblance to hospital food. Try "sticky toffee pudding" or "spotted dick." Don't forget to claim instant membership in the Society of Stupid Tourists by making an STD joke about the latter.
· Feeling a little nippy along the ale trail? Ask for a bag of crisps (if you say "chips" you'll get fries) or a pickled egg that may well date back to Tudor times. Shameless carnivores should consider "pork scratchings," vile nuggets of suspect pig origin which most Brits only eat on a dare after copious pints.
Recommended Reading
The Good Beer Guide 2008 ($18.94 from amazon.ca)
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