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Rat Wars!

by Reb Stevenson on May 1, 2012

I’m not saying it isn’t nice to be welcomed into your new home.

But when the welcome comes from a large rodent that has stolen into you kitchen looking to dine on your garbage, well…it ain’t so warm and fuzzy.

About a week into our life in our new home (which, don’t get me wrong, I love), I heard Billy squeal and proclaim “OMG, Reb, the BIGGEST rat is in our kitchen!!! OMG OMG it’s so-o-o-o BIG!”

I ducked into the bathroom, trembling with fear but also laughing at the absurdity of cowering from something that is roughly the size of my foot. Billy ran next door to fetch our Austrian landlord, Alex. Not to stereotype (Arnold), but Austrians kick butt. Alex arrived clad in a wife beater, muscles all rippling, armed with some kind of pipe. I couldn’t really see what was going on through the bathroom door, but I heard some thrashing, yelling and finally some cheering as Billy and Alex (but mostly Alex) chased the offender out the front door.

Upon further inspection, it seems most likely that the rat entered through the perfect rat-sized archway in our garage door. I mean, the hole is like a custom-made rat door.

The photo above illustrates Billy and my dad, who has murdered all sorts of creepy crawlies, inspecting said hole. Billy read online that rats do not like to chew through tin foil, so he plugged it up with some of that.

My brother Zach – kind, middle child Zach – once executed a rat with a hammer and then buried it in a “snowy grave.” He lived near Chinatown in Toronto and the rat got under his skin (and his bed, and his food, and god knows what else). That’s an old cell phone shot he took of his roommate holding the rat before they took it outside to meet its maker.

After dad’s recommendation to “kill,” I went on a morning jaunt and picked up some tulips and vermin traps of various sizes. Because I’m elegant like that.

Have you ever had a rat-encounter? Tell me about it! How did you triumph over the scoundrels?

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Holy Ship! Moving Is Expensive.

by Reb Stevenson on March 25, 2012

This is my 20th move in 15 years. I could probably stock an entire cooking store with the kitchen supplies I’ve bought and sold over this time period.

We didn’t have a hoarders-esque situation when we moved to Kleinburg (not even one dried up cat carcass), but we owned enough furniture to make me loathe the prospect of selling it all and re-buying on the other side. You might think that purchasing a blender is no biggie, but how about a blender, a crock pot and a toaster oven? CHA-CHING!

Also, the bed dilemma was eating at us. We have two perfectly good beds here, beds that made about $2000 vanish out of our bank accounts. And let’s face it: the second you deflower a bed by, er, sleeping on it n’ stuff, it’s all over. The term “secondhand bed” makes people get all embarrassed and awkward. Good luck selling it for more than $100 in this, the age of the bed bug.

So I looked into movers and sundry shipping options. People hire companies all the time, right?

Yeah – people whose employers are picking up the tab. Because I can’t see how anyone could justify the prices that hurtled from the screen to my saucer-eyes.

I contacted AMJ Campbell, a moving company that was highly recommended by a friend, asking for a quote for a scant amount of furniture: a queen bed/box spring, two computer chairs, a small area rug and 15 boxes.

Result: $3,000.

Disheartened, I went to Pods, a company that delivers a crate to your house. Pretty cool on paper: you pack it yourself, they pick it up, they deliver it to your new place, you unpack it. It sounded like it ought to be cheaper, given that you’re doing all the huffing and puffing yourself.

Total to ship my Pod to Victoria: $4,900

In both cases, the cost far outweighed the value of the goods themselves.

(I should also note that we weren’t interested in going the UHaul route – too stressful)

My dreams of retaining any furniture whatsoever completely shattered, I turned to a company whose name screams BUDGET: Greyhound. And ’twas Greyhound Courier Express who saved me from re-buying the blender, the crock pot and the toaster oven (which I shipped dirty, real classy gal I am).Greyhound has always excelled on the shipping front, and they even hold your boxes on the other side for 31 days.

Total to ship 19 boxes with $1500 of insurance: $758

So we had the garage sale and bought the boxes a bus ticket.

Now it’s down to sleeping on an air mattress and dining off a cardboard box.

The Retro Road Trip begins tomorrow!

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Total Bathroom Domination: A How-To

by Reb Stevenson on February 24, 2012

When not toiling away for “the man,” there are so many things one longs to do.

Read a book. Bake a cake. Do the splits, both ways.

But cleaning the bathroom? That’s, like, number 34, 027 on my list of possible pastimes. Sometimes I think that, without the occasional house guest, I may never see fit to don the yellow gloves.

Melissa Maker, owner of Clean My Space in Toronto, wasn’t overly keen on scrubbing the porcelain throne, either. But one night, she went to the loo at a friend’s house and it was so revolting she couldn’t bring herself to use it (let’s face it, you might floss your teeth with your own hair, but someone else’s discarded DNA is ew, ew, ew). That’s when she decided to launch a cleaning service of her own.

While Melissa is obviously an advocate of the full-blown, roll-up-dem-sleeves cleaning session, she stresses that it’s the in-between maintenance that makes the biggest difference. Using the following tips, you can elevate your bathroom from glorified outhouse to temple of sanitary goodness. Or something along those lines.

Don’t let unruly accessories and hygiene products loiter anywhere they damn well please.

Melissa says a tidy, streamlined counter looks cleaner – and no scrubbing required! Woot.

Line counter items up parallel or perpendicular, as shown above. This is most pleasing to the eye.

And when in doubt, hide! Place any excess items into decorative baskets or hide temporarily in a linen closet or under the sink. Nobody needs to see your Preparation H or Herpes medication (speaking from experience, I saw this once, proudly displayed for the world to see on a shelf. Not sure if it was an accident or a crafty way to avoid verbally broaching the topic with potential suitors. Have you ever stumbled upon something embarrassing in someone’s washroom?).

Instead of waiting until your whole mirror looks like a piece of styrofoam, do spot-washes whenever you see some goo.

Melissa uses a flat microfibre cloth to clean and shine a mirror. A flat cloth is better than one with loops because it cannot hold on to any debris, thus reducing streaks and providing a superior shine.

To keep bathmats clean between washes, Melissa uses a basic lint brush.

It picks up the stubborn bits, like hair, that vacuums may miss.

Find products that are designed for everyday maintenance. This new product, Scrubbing Bubbles One Step Toilet Bowl Cleaner, subtly attaches to your toilet.

You clip the nozzle over the rim, then step on the lever after use to keep toilet rings, hard water marks and limescale at bay.

Along the same lines, I’m a fan of Method Daily Shower Spray.

Melissa has a special loathing for the scum (read: bacteria) that builds up on soap dishes and pumps. And don’t even get her going on that crud that accumulates on electric toothbrushes…

Good news: when it comes to many bathroom accessories (not the electric toothbrush, mind you), you can get your dishwasher to do the work for you. For a full cleaning, place your empty soap pump / dish onto the top rack of your dishwasher and place on the sterilization cycle for a super-fast clean.

Ever wonder why your white shower curtain has a blush of pink along the bottom? You don’t really want to know the answer.

Just take Melissa’s advice and chuck your curtain into the the washing machine with a few towels. That way the curtain won’t shred but it’ll get a thorough bath of its own.

What are your bathroom cleaning tricks? Do you have any favourite products? Let me know in the comments area below.

And please feel free to drop by my house to use my SUPER IMMACULATE bathroom. Just give me a two hour warning…

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