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Barbaric Borthwick!
After a month solid of labouring on farms through the wwoof scheme, I figured it was time to shed my Cinderella alter-ego and return to my royal roots (bet you didn’t know I was the Duchess of Delusions).
So I hauled my dirt-encrusted self to Borthwick Castle in Scotland. This 15th century fortified dwelling has been a hotel for some 30 years, and at 120 to 200 pounds per night, it’s a swanky affair indeed.
However, don’t let that price convince you that everything’s safe n’ sound ‘round Borthwick.
If you look closely at the exterior of the Castle, you will note two square towers. Between them is the chasm known in the days of yore as the “Prisoner’s Leap.” Lord Borthwick, exhibiting a playful side, held an annual sporting event for his prisoners: they would be granted complete freedom if they could jump across the 12-foot wide gap between the towers. The only catch: their hands were tied behind their backs AND their legs were adorned with a big ole ball and chain. Oh, and a cluster of spikes below ensured complete, total and utter death (as though the 100 foot drop wouldn’t do the trick).
Did anyone ever make it? “No,” assistant manager David Sinclair told me with absolute certainty.
Well, they say that the colour red actually whets one’s appetite. And so I hopped from the “Prisoner’s Leap” to the Great Hall for dinner. It seems that little has changed since the days when Mary, Queen of Scots stayed here. The Great Hall is stony and moody, rich with the complimentary aromas of the ever-crackling wood fire and the meat cooking in the adjacent kitchen.
The hostess gazed upon me with that “you’re alone, what a shame” look and sat me down with a family of four: the Wanners. It turns out that dad Kirby, mom Francine and sibs Emma, 10 and Cole, 8, are a Calgarian family who have swapped Alberta for Nice, France for a year (can you blame them? You can check out the blog chronicling their experiences abroad at www.mytripjournal.com/wannerfamily).
Cole, a smiley little chap blessed with superb dimples, tucked into his salmon with gusto. Emma settled on the chicken fingers, declaring that she would “rather attempt the jump” than let haggis anywhere near her mouth.
Figuring that if you’re going to try haggis, you may as well try it in a castle, I ordered the traditional Scottish dish, complete with neeps (turnips) and tatties (potatoes). I deliberately avoiding googling or wikipedia-ing haggis prior to my arrival- who needs a reminder that it is essentially organ potpourri? This ignorance served me well as - lo and behold - it was shockingly tasty!
Despite its imposing structure, Borthwick Castle is an intimate hotel There are only 10 rooms, all of which deliver that authentic castle feel. And due to conservation issues there is no television. That’s okay, you can entertain yourself by perspiring in bed as your imagination runs wild, especially if you’re in The Red Room...(cue music from “The Shining”)...
Several of the rooms at Borthwick - including The Red Room - have tiny little cubby holes (now converted to bathrooms) once known as Luggies Coves. A maid would stow away in the cove 24/7, awaiting further instruction from the tenant of the bedchamber. But one of the many Lord Borthwicks got serviced well beyond the routine chamber pot disposal, and the poor maid wound up pregnant. To avoid any claims to the family fortune, gentle Borthwick sent two guards into The Red Room, where the maid was on duty in the Luggies Cove. They dragged her out and savagely murdered her on the spot. Apparently the room was saturated with blood.
Of course, the usual compendium of ghost stories started trickling in. So in the 1970s, Borthwick Castle actually hired an exorcist. Sinclair reports that while the hauntings subsided, a mysterious feminine form appeared on the mantlepiece shortly thereafter. If you fancy a round of “magic eye,” just gaze at the picture below and try to imagine a pregnant woman lying on her back (head is on the left).
I would tell you more about Borthwick Castle but I’ve just noticed a bizarre swirl in my haggis, and it looks kinda like SEAN CONNERRY!!!!! Whoops, is he still alive? Crap. It must be WILLIAM WALLACE!!!!! Sending out a press release, pronto.
Traveller's Mixed Tape: Song 1
Whether I’m sitting on a train watching some foreign landscape whizz by or simply relaxing at home dreaming of my next adventure, there’s nothing quite like a travel tune to set the mood.
Over time, I’ve compiled a fairly comprehensive playlist of songs that should get you bolting straight to a travel agent.
This week: I urge you to download that ultimate ’80s travel anthem, HOLIDAY ROAD by Lindsay Buckingham.
Yes, this is the theme song to the National Lampoon’s Vacation and European Vacation movies, which influenced my life more than I’d care to admit. Who cares if Audrey and Rusty were butt ugly? This song evokes that Chevy Chase signature brand of ignorant bliss.
Miss Stevenson meets Miss Potter
If you’ve been reading my blog faithfully, you will know that while I was in the Lake District of England last week, I had a whirlwind romance with the Brompton Folding Bicycle.
You think this is wet? Bah - I grew up on Vancouver Island!
One our little sojourns took place in the pouring rain (according to old movies, an essential component of any passionate love affair). Seeing as how it was a Saturday, we decided to do something wholesome and family-oriented. So we made our way via train, boat and bus to Hill Top, former home of one Beatrix Potter.
Youngsters still delight in Potter’s whimsical world. Photo by Reb Stevenson
You should know Potter as the original shrunken book author/illustrator. You may also know her from the 2006 Renee Zellweger biopic, Miss Potter, which is - quite frankly - a very sappy period film suitable for grandmothers and other assorted doily-weavers (yeah, okay, I loved it).
The brilliant thing about Hill Top is that when Potter died in 1943, she left the property to the National Trust, complete with very specific instructions on where each little knick knack was to be placed. And so you have a very authentic little house museum - complete with wood fire a-blazing!
If you fail, at least you tried. They just want you to put in your best effort.
And even if you fail to see the point of turn-of-the-century talking animals, at least you can appreciate the surrounding countryside, so tranquil and lush that it’s no wonder Potter derived so much inspiration from this setting.
The village of Sawrey, home to Hill Top and sigh after sigh. Photo by Reb Stevenson.
Getting my Goat
Reb and Lorna riding bikes at Sprint Mill Farm in Cumbria
Sprint Mill Farm near Kendal, Cumbria is the place to get your goat. I’ve been here just two days, and have already sampled:
1) Goat milk (the polite way to put this is “an acquired taste”)
2) Goat butter (the polite way to put THIS is “gag!”)
3) Goat cheese (not shabby, not shabby at all)
4) Goat meat (surprisingly edible!)
Farmer Edward Acland and his wife, Romola, like many wwoof hosts, try to live off their own land as much as possible. So the on-site goats provide daily sustenance.
It is most welcoming and picturesque here. My cab driver must have thought I was nuts, the way I was babbling on about stone fences when we first pulled up to the early 19th century mill. But it is truly a sight to behold, this riverside dwelling. Brilliant, emerald-green moss seems to have a fuzzy grip on everything. And the cottage in which the Aclands live is is framed by verdant hills and is perpetually obscured by mist.
Grey and green abound in Cumbria
Wwoofing here is more like a vacation than anything: Edward’s philosophy on life is decidedly laid back and so wwoofers are only expected to work in the morning (and even that doesn’t start until 9:30am or so). More than anything, he likes to chat about sustainability and share what he has learned on this 15-acre, not-for-profit farm.
Yesterday Lorna (an English wwoofer) and I chopped up come comfrey using an old farm tool that could easily lop off a limb if misused. And today we rocked some brutal death-style scythes. Now I understand why that’s his accessory of choice: it’s part axe, part portable guillotine. All gothic power.
Today, Lorna and I rode into Kendal. I took the Brompton fold-up bike, and after a few wobbles fell in love with the funky contraption. Just like a relationship with a man, ain’t it?
More on the Lake District , Sprint Mill Farm and my ongoing consumption of goat in the days to come.
The stone is unforgiving, but the Sprint Mill farm kitchen is cosy and inviting.
Gear Bonanza
In any case, here is the sum of my Ottawa Citizen travel gizmo column from the past month:
I know what you’re thinking, snobby bookworm: baggage allowances these days really flip the bird at traditional old tomes. The last time you tried to haul your library of hardcover classics onto the plane, you were read the riot act. What the Dickens?! Well, if you can’t beat them, get the jetBook. The handheld digital device is smaller than a paperback but holds 1,000 books (40 classics are pre-installed, you can download the rest online) and the battery lasts for 20 hours. Font size is adjustable to accommodate “experienced” eyes. jetBook also supports non-literary files like photos and MP3’s, in case you want to slum it with the plebs for a few minutes.
$349 US at www.magellans.com
They say black goes with everything. Unfortunately, on a luggage carousel it coordinates a little too well with everyone else’s bags. If you find yourself feebly thinking: “I’m pretty sure mine had three zippers…” you may have scored yourself a strangers’ dirty laundry grab bag.
Want to say: “you’re it!” with complete confidence? Then play tag!
Set your stuff apart with a funky new luggage tag. There are loads of options to choose from, including bees, cats, leopard prints, etc.
Failing that, just tie a pair of threadbare undies to the handle. That should get the point across, too.
L’il Lewis Animal Tags $14.99
Amazing Accessories Cat Tag $6.99
Belle Hop Fashion Luggage Tag $2.25
All at Capital City Luggage (1337 Wellington Street West).
Nobody likes to be looked square in the eye and told point-blank that they’re overweight. But this happens all too often at the airport check-in desk. And sometimes there isn’t even enough time for an impromptu garage sale. Shed this weighty issue by assessing your bags with the xScale by Heys. The world’s smallest portable luggage scale, its digital display measures up to 110 lbs so you can spare yourself the embarrassment of publicly extracting questionable goods from your bag. What were you thinking, bringing that pet rock, anyway?
$30 at Ottawa Leather Goods, Ottawa Leather Goods (179 Sparks Street)
In Rembrandt’s day, the self-portrait was a respectable work of art. Today your average self-portrait is achieved by turning a crappy point-and-shoot inward and–too often -succeeding only in immortalizing a distorted chunk of arm. But a stroke of brilliance from a Toronto inventor means no more severed foreheads, distorted schnozes and the like. It’s called Quik Pod: a handheld, extendible tripod that gives you that extra space you need to get the perfect “look, we posed at the Eiffel Tower!” shot. A built-in mirror helps you compose your image. Extra bonus: no more asking photographically-challenged strangers to take your pic.
$24.99 US at www.quikpod.com. Also available at Black’s Photography.
FROM MY WEEKLY TRAVEL GEAR COLUMN IN
My New Czech Mate
Hello from Nottinghamshire! I am in my second week of wwoofing at Trinity Farm in a small hamlet called Cossall.
Read on for more photos...
A Very Tesco Breakfast
What is it? All Day Breakfast
Where is it? U.K.
Describe it: Celebrity chefs like Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay have done a lot to overturn England’s reputation for bad cuisine. On the flip side of the coin you have this not-so-posh culinary masterpiece. The All Day Breakfast contains baked beans, sausages, button mushrooms, chopped pork, egg nuggets, cereal AND bacon. Yes, all in one civilized can. You may as well just dump in your cuppa tea while you’re at it.
How much? 98 pence (about $1.88 CAD) at the grocery store.