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Crucial Travel Information
...because we all know it’s the petty details - not security or landing gear maintenance - that matter.
Also, while we’re talking overnight flights, I’d like to make a few observations:
1) When you get up from your seat for a comfort break, DO NOT use the seat in front of you as a railing with which to steady yourself. There is usually a person trying to sleep in said seat - a person who will not appreciate the man-made turbulence.
2) Dear Lufthansa: maybe, just maybe, you could remove those ashtrays instead of leaving them as a terrifying reminder that we’re flying on a vintage plane. You build flying metal birds. I think you have the technology to bust out a screwdriver and get rid of those suckas.
3) Dear Luddites: when you encounter a touch-screen entertainment system, freaking out and spastically hitting the screen over and over will not make Angels and Demons start to play.
4) Dear Lufthansa: Hi..it’s me again. Sorry, I forget something. While you’ve got the screwdriver out, maybe you could look at making muzzles for babies who feel the need to air all their pent-up grievances between takeoff and landing (I’ve seen them in customs afterwards, all dimples and coos...I’m onto them). Oh, sorry, am I being heartless? Maybe we could stow them in the overhead bins instead. Give ‘em a blanket and a pillow or something. See? I care.
Can I have your (seat) number?
A return ticket on the Matchmaking Flight from Ottawa (connecting through Los Angeles) costs from $1,698. For more information, go to www.thematchmakingflight.com.
It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Free Food!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU Porter Air, for being the last airline in Canada to provide free food to customers. Sure, it’s just half a boring sandwich, arid Melba Toast and a wee Babybel, but it’s appreciated, as is the classy glassware.
From Toronto, Porter now flies to Ottawa, Quebec City, Montreal, Halifax, Thunder Bay, St. John’s, Boston, Chicago and New York. So if you don’t feel like blowing $8 on a roast beef wrap that looks like it’s been trampled in a stampede, consider flying Porter.
And Take Extra Care When Buckling Up!
Spoiled Alert!
Now I’m tempted to become a first class whore.
After years of lusting after transformer seats, awkward non-sleeps in upright chairs and one-night stands with various travel pillows, I finally got the chance to spend one helluva sexy night in British Airways Club World.
Though the flight to Heathrow was just six hours, I probably got about five hours of solid sleep,
Upon landing, Club Worldlies can access the Arrivals Lounge at Terminal 5, where showers, more breakfast, internet, even more breakfast and suit-pressing are available. All of which increase your chances of feeling vaguely human when you land.
No walk of shame for me this morning, baby.
Today's Porters of Call
I am also a big fan of the stylish retro outfits worn by Porter’s flight crew. I’m not quite sure why this Porter poster girl is standing by CANDLES of all things (fire plus airplanes...uhhh?). Although I suppose her garb does date back to the good ole days of air travel when passengers could puff away on cigarettes.
Speaking of pill box hats, I was greeted by another one when I checked into The Jane Hotel in New York’s West Village.
I do love a thematic hotel, and The Jane - which unveiled the first batch of its renovated rooms last summer - is a delightful combination of novelty and practicality. Built in 1908 by architect William A. Boring (go on, laugh), The Jane is taking inspiration from its own origins as a hotel for sailors. The rooms are tiny, like cabins on a ship, and have a pretty creepy vibe to them. Is that “My Heart Will Go On” playing in my mental jukebox?
The only way I could even photograph the coffin-sized room was via the mirror.
You might think I’m just making a cheap link between an Edwardian nautical hotel and that famous sinking...and trust me, I would make a cheap link...but in this case there a real connection: the survivors of The Titanic stayed here in 1912 until the American inquiry into the sinking was wrapped up.
