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The Holiday Mullet
A few weeks ago, my little brother Jacob announced that he was going to light up the Christmas table with a disgusting “Holiday Mullet.”
(Cue communal groan from the family).
Jacob’s reasoning for recklessly succumbing to the scissors was this: “I want to shock all the old friends I haven’t seen for ages when I go home for the holidays. They’ll think I’ve turned into a total redneck! HAHAHAHA!”
You have to admire the dedication.
At Victoria’s Salon Astoria, the stylist couldn’t stop giggling as she removed large wads of hair from the sides and top of Jacob’s head. She almost seemed guilty. At one point, she declared “this is seriously unfortunate.” But nonetheless, Jacob emerged with the embarrassing ‘do that he desired.
Where to test out the hockey hair? Why, the arena of course! On boxing day, we moseyed on down to the Parksville Arena and strapped on the hockey skates. But, really, the fact that it was a “Winter Wonderland” family skate didn’t really do much for the hair’s toughness factor. Nobody did a double-take or tripped on their skates. Maybe he should have enhanced the effect with a six pack of brewskies and a few choice swear words directed at kids. Coulda, woulda, shoulda...
Just when we thought the mullet may have been for naught, salvation came...in the form of playable drum and guitar t-shirts (which you may remember from THIS blog). My brother Zach (right) got these from www.thinkgeek.com and the random, distortion laden music they produced was just as hideous as Jacob’s noggin. Isn’t it lovely when things come together like that? I dare say it’s a Christmas miracle!
*inserts ear plugs*
Egg Nog French Toast, Hells Yeah!
While perusing the dairy fridge at the store the other day, it occurred me to that egg nog is pretty much French Toast without the bread. So I decided to invent this extra special holiday recipe just for you folks!
With a fork, blend the following in a shallow dish:
- Two eggs
- One cup egg nog, in all its fatty, creamy glory
- One teaspoon vanilla extract
- Pinch cinnamon
- Pinch nutmeg
Dip thick slices of Challah Bread into this glorious mixture (French Toast is ALWAYS better with challah, a braided Jewish egg bread. I made my own for this project, but you might be able to find some in your grocery store. If not, opt for thick-cut white bread.)
Fry in REAL BUTTER (cannot stress enough, shun the margarine for the love of god!) until golden.
Serve with a spiced cranberry sauce. For mine, I boiled a cup of fresh cranberries, 1/4 cup raisins, 1/2 cup sugar, pinch cinnamon, pinch nutmeg and a dash of spiced rum until the cranberries broke down and it seemed to be a saucy texture.
Garnish with coconut and fresh mint for that Christmassy look! And don’t forget to serve with real maple syrup...even if you’re American.
Makes about 5-6 pieces.
So...We Thought We Could Dance
Last year around this time, my dad Jack started exhibiting some bizarre behaviour. Whenever he had a spare second, he would obsessively watch instructional dancing DVD’s as though they were a combination of cocaine and porn. Sometimes, when I got up in the morning, there he was, dancing on the spot in the living room. He might have been there all night. I’m not sure.
Now, my dad has had many obsessions over the years - guitar, baseball, apple orcharding, chemistry, Mac computers, cashews...- but this once seems to be enduring. Flash forward one year and he is still taking multiple dance lessons every week.
.
We Tree Kings
For years now, I’ve been meaning to check out the annual Festival of Trees at Victoria’s ivy-clad stalwart hotel, The Empress. Mostly because I heard it was free. Today that dream was realized.
It’s actually a charity fundraiser - you spend $2 to cast a ballot for your favourite tree and the proceeds go to the BC Children’s Hospital. The trees have all been decorated by various organizations and businesses.
My fave? No contest, it’s the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Tree. Hang Quatchi (the sasquatch mascot) on anything and it will win my affection. A ticking bomb with a Quatchi on it? Gimme!
Two other trees worth noting:
1. Not since the Michael Keaton seasonal family flick Jack Frost has a snowman seemed so freaky and inhuman: yes, meet the Twilight tree.
2. You should have seen the looks of heavenly delight that lit up the kiddies’ faces when they saw this tree festooned with realtors’ business cards. Binab, Desmond, etc: you guys sure know how to keep Christmas commercialism at bay. Thank you for your festive gift to mankind.
Sweet n' Salty in Victoria
1. She always, ALWAYS lives in a cute “character house.”
2. When she says “want a snack?” she doesn’t rip open a bag of finger-staining Cheetos. She whips out a frying pan and cooks up something like homemade warm artichoke dip.
3. Everything she touches turns to Martha Stewart home style perfection. Even her kitty litter looks like it could be on the cover of a magazine, I bet.
Therefore, it was only natural to ask Gina to demonstrate a cheap Christmas craft for this blog. Since she was already making bath salts (she would be), she let me in on the action, which I will now share with you!
First things first: INGREDIENTS and SUPPLIES!
-Mixing spoon
-Poinsettia (to look cool in the background)
-Bottles (dollar store ones will suffice)
-Ribbon
-Epsom Salts (find these at the drugstore)
-Essential oils (Gina used Neroli and Jasmine)
-Dried lavender
-Fresh Rosemary sprigs
1. Pour Epsom Salts into the bowl.
2. Drip in the essential oils.
3. Mix in lavender.
4. Stuff a sprig of rosemary into each bottle, then carefully fill with your salty concoction.
5. Decorate with ribbon (don’t forget to curl it!), and finish it off with a gratuitous piece of rosemary on the exterior.
VOILA!
6. Last but not least, don’t forget to test out your product....
Keep checking back here throughout the holidays for more Christmas frivolity!
And if you haven’t seen my latest video yet, you can still do so HERE!
KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything is bliss! The angels sing from on high! The trumpets blare! The lords a leap!
24 hours later, the homecoming honeymoon screeches to a halt.
After that, it’s back to ways of yore. Mom gets teary when you joke about her mushy brussels sprouts, sister chews with her mouth open, grandma tells the same story every hour, on the hour.
You know what this signals: time to medicate with the boob tube.
Thank goodness for Christmas movies.
My faves are: Home Alone, The Claymation Rudolph, Little Women (Winona Ryder version), any interpretation of A Christmas Carol, One Magic Christmas and...clearly, Bill Murray’s SCROOGED.
Others you may wish to stock up on include:
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
The Christmas Shoes
Elf
The Santa Clause
Bad Santa
A Very Brady Christmas
A Christmas Story
Prancer
The Grinch
It’s a Wonderful Life
Home for the Holidays
Die Hard
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Love, Actually
The Holiday
Gremlins
(Thanks to all my Facebook friends for contributing their picks!)
The cheesiest of all has to be Jingle All the Way starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and ... wait for it... SINBAD. I say this with bitterness because this movie, um..actually made me cry. For realz. Like, tears of true emotion and joy. And I hate myself for that.
What’s your favourite holiday movie? Have I missed anything? Talk to me!
Christmas Undesirables: Uncles n' Mall Santas
Now, despite my love for all things green n’ red, I sometimes feel that we gloss over the freakier aspects of Christmas. Namely, the weirdos who emerge to taunt us with inappropriate hugs, force reluctant kids to sit on their knees and blame way too much on the spiced rum.
Take, for instance, the ubiquitously terrifying mall Santa Claus. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out this ode to nightmare-inducing St. Nicks that Billy Reid from Very Tasteful just released (see right). Which one do you think is the creepiest?
Sometimes the nut jobs are in your own house, which is even worse because you can’t just duck into a JC Penney change room and hide for hours. To help you identify these misfits, I created this chart for Two magazine. Oh, and looky who just happens to be there...mall santa. Just another incentive to shop online, people.
The Ghost of Crimbo Past
What I wouldn’t give to hold the present in the telltale shape of a She-Ra figure! Or hear bells streaking through the backyard (a neighbour, pretending to be Santa - not actually streaking, but then again it was dark so who knows). Or decorate the tree with my two brothers, bickering over who gets to hang the coveted ornament known “The Cute Santa Claus.”
Today I’m thinking about the two Christmases I spent in Lewes, England, the little town that romanced my imagination and refuses to relinquish its hold on my heart.
Snow was a no-show, but the air was chilly and wet, which suits my Westcoast-born self just fine. The lead-up to Christmas was laden with traditional fare like mince pies, mulled wine and Christmas cake. Also, they say “Happy Christmas” instead of Merry Christmas, and Christmas is occasionally abbreviated to “Crimbo.”
While we’re at it, “pants” are underwear, “a minger” is an ugly girl and a “minge” is...not suitable to discuss in a Christmas blog.
Lets get back to nutcracking, shall we?
On Christmas Eve, the friendly, family-run pub I frequented (The Brewers Arms) was packed. One year, a friend and I brought our guitars and played carols as the entire pub sang along - a moment that could easily have been plucked from Victorian times. It was one for the mental scrapbook!
Upon the big day itself, the English tend to eat “Christmas Lunch” in the afternoon. Sometimes the main course is even goose (Dickens-approved).
I guess it goes to show that Christmas nostalgia needn’t be relegated to childhood - it’s a work in progress. So remember that this year’s Christmas is next year’s fond memory, and make it count.
What’s your most cherished holiday memory?
Gift Idea for Male Species: Interactive T-Shirts!
Admittedly, we girls have PMS, say cryptic things and expect men to read our minds about 90 per cent of the time. But you know what, guys? YOU are hard to shop for.
So there!!!!!!!!!!!!
Luckily, there’s this awesome website called www.thinkgeek.com that offers all kinds of funky gifts for the omnipresent male inner child. I get an extra large kick out of their set of interactive t-shirts, such as the Personal Speaker Shirt, WiFi Detector Shirt and the (all-new) Electronic Rock Guitar Shirt. Battery powered? Yes. Hilarious? Yes. Annoying? You know it.
But after looking at these, how can you possibly give soap on a rope again?
Even Oatmeal likes to Dress Up for Xmas
Of course you have. And so do I. Every. Single. Day.
I’ve never been much of a blog reader, but recently someone posted a link on Facebook that got me addicted to a blog called Kath Eats Real Food.
Basically, this girl named Kath Younger who lives in North Carolina blogs about everything she eats. It all started when she realized that she had put on a fair bit of weight in college. Determined to get back in shape, she shed 30 pounds by eating healthy and exercising (shocker, I know! And all these years, I thought inhaling KFC skin was the secret to success!!!).
What’s great about Kath’s blog is that she’s likeable, honest and inspiring, and she understands the value of posting oodles of photos. Turns out, other people have just as much of a voyeuristic streak as I do - Kath’s blog is immensely popular, garnering hundreds of comments every day!
So, what does this have to do with Yuletide?
- Well, one of Kath’s huge passions is oatmeal (see her instructional video, left), and last year she concocted a rather creative version of her fave breakfast for a contest. She has agreed to share it with y’all on my blog today.
Season's Greetings!
I've made hundreds (and hundreds!) of oatmeal combinations throughout the past two years of food blogging and this holiday Winter Wonderland oatmeal stands out as one of my most unique and delicious recipes. I didn't expect the flavors to work so well together, but peppermint and coconut were made for one another. Happy Holiday Eating!
- Kath
And here’s the recipe:
Winter Quakerland Oatmeal
Serves 1
- ¾ cup Quaker Old Fashioned oatmeal (heart-healthy serving)
- 1 ¼ cups water
- ¼ cup Silk Soy Milk Egg Nog
- 1/8 tsp ground nutmeg
- 1 tsp (about 4 grams) crushed candy cane
- 1 tsp (about 7 grams) chopped walnuts, toasted in a dry skillet if desired
- 1 tsp powdered sugar
- Crush candy cane in a zip top bag with a heavy pot, mallet, or rolling pin
- Combine oats, water and Silk Nog in a non-stick pot and set heat to medium.
- When oatmeal begins to thicken, begin to whip vigorously with a spatula, allowing the starch to be released.
- Continue whipping oats until reaching desired thickness, about 5 minutes.
- Stir in nutmeg.
- Pour oatmeal into bowl and top with crushed candy cane and walnuts.
- Dust with powdered sugar.
- Enjoy!
Something Lovely Under the Mistletoe
IN CANADA, BUY THE ALBUM HERE
IN THE US AND ELSEWHERE, BUY IT HERE
Other news: If you’re in Toronto, you can catch the Good Lovelies’ Christmas CD release party, Dec 6 at Hugh’s Room!
Calendar Girl
2. The beginning of advent calendar season!!!!!
Now, I don’t know about you, but my advent calendar MUST be chocolate. I know there are fabric ones, and advent calendars that reveal little nativity scene pictures, but I feel that if the wee baby
In fact, what I’d really like to see is an adult sized advent calendar that conceals progressively larger full chocolate bars. Like, on Dec. 21 your door swings open and, wowee, you’ve got yourself a Mr. Big. YEAH BABY!
A couple of years ago, Harrods came up with a calendar made from “burr elm and walnut wood” that was aimed at adults. At least, that’s what I’m guessing by the $50,000 price tag.
Leaving Shoppers in my wake, I made a detour to Starbucks, where I shared my quest with a most introspective barista.
“OMIGOD, I THINK I’D JUST EAT THE WHOLE THING ON DAY ONE!” she exclaimed.
She had a point - now that I’m an adult, will I be able to control myself?
But the question remains...will I daintily eat them day by day, one-by-one? Or will I allow my inner child to emerge, tear apart Belle’s face and liberate the underlying plastic chocolate tray in a nanosecond?
Even if I did, the repercussions would be mild: given that the chocolates are pathetically miniscule, the entire thing is just 300 calories!
Homepage for the Holidays!
I love the scent of a real tree, the look of lights twinkling against the snow and the possibility of eating sugar plums, even though I don’t have a freakin’ clue what those are.
I even sorta, kinda, maybe like Wham’s Last Christmas - even after the 100 billionth play at the mall. (Pretty much the worst video ever though...I can’t believe the edited out the orgy scene)
To indulge my love of this gloriously excessive holiday, for the month of December I will be dedicating this blog to all things XMAS - cooking, crafting, decorating, obnoxious carolling, movie watching, weight gaining, some travel, gift ideas and general merrymaking! Follow me as I make my way from Toronto back home to Vancouver Island, where I vow to add to the dysfunction by assaulting my family with my camera and compulsive need to blog!
Here are a couple o’ pics from “Last Christmas” - my bros and I giving our mom a human sleigh ride, and my dad simultaneously playing the keys and cutting the turkey.
Most importantly, I want to hear from you! Got a favourite holiday recipe, craft or tradition you’d like to share? Just email me a photo of yourself with said cake/wreath/game of naked holiday twister along with the instructions and I’ll post it here!
As Emilio Estevez uttered in Young Guns: “I’ll make you famous.”
(Of course, then he shot the person. I wouldn’t do that, not at Christmas.)
To kick things off, I offer you this look at HOLIDAY DESSERTS FROM EUROPE, a little story I penned for aol.ca.
~Hark, what is yon sound? 'Tis the sweet tooth singing "Hallelujah!" For between the sugar plums, the candy canes, the gingerbread and the chocolate oranges, Christmas is a veritable blizzard of granulated sugar. Looking for some new ideas to enliven your table this year? Try some old ones. Check out our gallery of traditional European holiday desserts.~
(Click this link for descriptions and recipes from England, Italy, France, Spain, Germany and Denmark!)