Toronto Subway Safari

STORY AND PHOTOS BY REB STEVENSON
Torontonians, please stifle your laughter when you read the following confession:
The stink of the subway fascinates me.
I’m talking about that stale whoosh of air that heralds the arrival of a train. It swoops in from the kind of shadowy tunnel that would make Lex Luthor homesick. It’s industrial. It’s decrepit. And to a small town girl like me, it screams out one, glorious thing: BIG CITY.
If you didn’t grow up with a subway, an underground or a “tube,” one of the most thrilling aspects of visiting a metropolis that is thus endowed is navigating the transport system. The frantic paces, the dour faces and the prerecorded, disinterested voice that announces the next station – it’s all so very exotic.
And it’s easy. Compared to deciphering a streetcar or bus system, riding the subway is a cakewalk.
Having recently moved to Toronto, I vowed to ride the two staple TTC subway lines in their entirety. From Kipling to Kennedy and from Downsview to Finch – I sat amongst the black-clad commuters, avoiding eye contact as per the unspoken code.
But that’s not all.
I got out at every single stop, determined to prove that a point of interest is never more than a short walk from a TTC station. Come aboard for the subway safari.

PART ONE: BLOOR-DANFORTH LINE
JUMP TO PART TWO: YONGE-UNIVERSITY-SPADINA LINE

Kipling – It’s hard to avoid the creepy sensation that you’re approaching the ends of the earth as the train snakes past a colossal heap of dirt and debris, a metal scrapyard and a giant parking lot before depositing you near a colony of electrical towers. But hell hath sustenance, and it comes in the form of an old school diner that would have made Archie and the Riverdale gang feel right at home. Apache Burgers (aka the restaurant that political correctness forgot, 5236 Dundas Street West) has been serving up (what else?) the Apache Burger since 1969.

Islington – The pickings are slim at this nondescript stop. You could always get your ears candled at Islington Village Wellness Centre (3329 Bloor Street West). Better yet, go to the United Church of Canada headquarters (3250 Bloor Street West) and pray that the next train will come swiftly.

Royal York – A pretty residential street welcomes you into the Kingsway neighbourhood, which is dominated by Park Lawn Cemetery. The old graveyard is super for a stroll, but if you’re into mausoleum shopping, by golly you’ve hit the jackpot! As through touting the merits of a new condo development, a billboard reads “Paradise Mausoleum – In the Heart of Park Lawn Cemetery. Phase Two Now Open.” Feel awkward about showing up to the ultimate slumber party empty handed? Forget the daisies and order a bouquet made of fruit from nearby Edible Arrangements (2943 Bloor Street West).
Also of note in this area: Kingway Pop’s Smoke Shop (2 Wendover Road), if only for the ancient Canada Dry sign outside.

Old Mill – Step back in time into the days when big, bad Toronto was just humble Fort York. A map outside Old Mill station guides you on a number of nature walks along the Humber River, including one that runs past The King’s Mill, Toronto’s first industrial building that dates back to 1793.

Jane – She ain’t so plain this time - in fact she’s Polish. This section of Bloor West Village is rife with the whiff of sausages. For takeaway flesh, try Kingsway Meat Products Delicatessen (2342 Bloor Street West) or Karpaty Delicatessen (2408 Bloor Street West). If you’re not in a rush have a bowl of borsch or a gypsy schnitzel at Amber European Restaurant (2372 Bloor Street West). And when you have stuffed yourself to the point of immobility, sneak into one of the display beds for a snooze at nearby Beddington’s.

Runnymede – Bizzy B’s Stamp and Scrap (2100 Bloor Street West) gives anyone with an ounce of estrogen the urge to attack floral paper with scissors. Luckily, the in-store workspaces provide a venue to do just that. Scrapbookers meet regularly on Thursday and Friday nights, and once a month there is a marathon 10am to midnight session ($35, including lunch and dinner). In the meantime, send male company over to Toy Addict (2323 Bloor St. West), where he can relive his prepubescent glory days admiring Star Wars and Masters of the Universe paraphernalia.

High Park – At 399 acres, High Park is Toronto’s largest greenspace. Just a few of the resident amenities: a zoo, trackless train, outdoor theatre and pool. But if you have a pooch in tow, first trot over to Bark & Fitz (1959 Bloor St. West) to outfit Fido in some designer duds (bare fur is sooo uncivilized). How about a skull and crossbones hoodie? And don’t forget a roll of citrus scented “dog nuisance pick-up bags.” Euphemism, anyone?

Reb Stevenson suffers for a slurpee in Toronto's High Park

Keele –Forget expensive vacations, Prozac and the like. Remember when frozen sugar water was enough to send you over the moon? From Keele station, skip over to 7-11, indulge in a dental nightmare of a Slurpee and sip it in the sunshine at the corner of High Park. Mind the brain freeze!

Dundas West – The Birkenstock set should dance their open-toed shoes on over to Hugh’s Room (2261 Dundas St. W), a noted folk and roots music venue. Worried you’re turning into a pool of sentimental mush? Then proceed to beat the crap out of a punching bag at Bloor Street Boxing Gym (2295 Dundas St. W), where you can drop in for $15.

The Caribbean Queen of Jamaican Patties in Toronto, Ontario

Lansdowne – Georgina Hamilton, the self-styled Caribbean Queen of Patties (1279 Bloor Street W) is instantly loveable. Not only does this jovial woman tag everything she says with the word “dear (“Do you have change, dear?” “How much plaintain, dear?”) but she slaves away alone in the back of her store fashioning the most delectable beef patties. And at $0.99 a pop for the patties, the price does its own sweet talking.

Dufferin – If all of your information about Islam is coming from the scrolling news headlines on CNN, you might want to check out the Islamic Information and Da’wah Centre International (1168 Bloor Street W.), where the general public is congenially invited to learn more about muslims.

Ossington –The Bloor Café and Deli, which hasn’t closed for a single hour in the last 20 years, purports to have the “cheapest price in town - smokes.” Ask the shopkeeper whether this is true and you get a hesitant “yeah…” that doesn’t sound very convincing. If $7.55 for a pack of Rothman’s Special doesn’t get you smokers wheezing with delight, perhaps the nearby cluster of Ethiopian Restaurants will. Not risky enough for your palate? Try Nicaraguan cuisine at La Bella Managua (872 Bloor Street West).

Christie – Who doesn’t romanticize the golden days of cinema, when film was a treat and you could take your best gal to a double feature? A joint with popcorn and hot dogs and an autographed picture of Ron Jeremy mounted in the lobby…that’s right, catch a matinee at the Metro Theatre (677 Bloor Street West), the best vintage porn theatre going. $13 gets you into two very dated adult flicks (current feature: The Summer of Laura, 1976). And if you’re looking for condoms, they’re in the vending machine between the Smarties and the Glossettes.

Bathurst – Despite its gaudy, lightbulb-infested, David Suzuki-bird flipping exterior, Honest Ed’s steals the show at Bloor and Bathurst. The 60-year-old grandfather of bargain stores, the interior is a warren of confusing hallways, cheesy old sales slogans and bins of sweatshop-direct goods. And in keeping with the honesty theme: some of it may break before you even get home.

Spadina – Become a temporary student of architecture as you admire the historical buildings on the University of Toronto campus. Here’s something to toss out over the truffle terrine at your next pretentious dinner party: “god, I just looove the W.D. Matthews House (89 St. George Street). After all, it is one of the city’s best preserved Romanesque revival buildings.”

St. George – You may be quite justified in declaring that your boyfriend’s room-clearing Nikes ought to be history, but in his defense, perhaps you should consider 4, 500 years of shoe lineage at The Bata Shoe Museum (327 Bloor Street West). If you aim to see all 10, 000 + shoes, comfortable footwear is recommended.

Bay – Tiffany & Co., Rolex, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Hermes, Holt Renfrew: it’s all there in Yorkville. But then again, if you’re riding the TTC, then perhaps your bank account isn’t. So try the Royal Ontario Museum (100 Queen’s Park) instead.

Bloor-Yonge – Before you dismiss the word “library” as verbal cue to doze off, don’t forget that librarians have a knack for whipping off those glasses and turning to mewling sex kittens faster than you can say “dewey decimal system.” The Toronto Reference Library (389 Yonge), with its impressive atrium, concession, art gallery, pond and used book store, is a comfortable – not to mention free – place to chill downtown (please disregard the sweeping generalization about librarians. Only SOME moonlight as strippers).

Sherbourne – You might want to suit up in black garb for a trip to Sherbourne to mourn the vestiges of Victorian Toronto. The strange collection of unloved, boarded- up heritage homes is akin to an architectural morgue – and swiftly encroaching condo developments threaten to bury the old guard in a mass grave. And who will be there to deliver the eulogy? And who is going to stop this god awful metaphor from continuing?

Castle Frank – Brush up on your Canadian literature: pick up a copy of Michael Ondaatje’s In the Skin of a Lion and read it in the parks surrounding the Don River. Then walk to the centre of the Prince Edward Viaduct (which figures prominently in the novel) for a sweeping view of the valley.

Broadview – If that old “farting armpits” party trick is all you’ve got, learn a new skill at one of Bad Dog Theatre Company’s improv workshops (138 Danforth Ave) – or at least catch one of their nightly shows.

Chester – When it comes to nostalgic candy, resistance easily melts like cotton candy on a wet tongue. That’s the case at Suckers Candy Co. (450 Danforth Ave), which stocks everything your childish heart could desire: goobers, marshmallow hot dogs, lollipops shaped like Marie Antoinette’s head…the cavities go on. And when you need some real food to counteract the sugar high, try the no-frills Detroit Diner (389 Danforth), which is endorsed by Jim Cuddy, Rick Mercer and Steven Page. Because celebs just have better taste, and you know it!

Pape – Greektown is to Toronto as Mount Olympus is to Greece. Chow down on some souvlaki at one of the abundant restaurants then grab a warm bougatsa (custard pastry) from Danforth Acropolis Pizza (708 Danforth Ave) before listening to some highly-lipsticked singers perform at Romeo Bouzouki Lounge (630 Danforth Ave).

Donlands – In biology, brown can signify two things: one goes into your mouth and one comes out the other end. Let’s not flush good taste down the toilet: we’ll concentrate on the former. Chocolate Heaven Café (974 Danforth), painted brown both inside and out, only sells cakes, cookies, etc made with the world’s best food. And– are you still reading? Hello? Darn, lost another one.

Greenwood – We all know smoking is bad for you, but what if the tobacco is apple flavoured? Can an argument be made for the “apple a day” rule? In any case, reclining beneath a canopy and smoking nicotine-free, fruit flavoured tobacco through a shisha pipe makes for a Marrakesh-inspired evening at Hot Pot (1336 Danforth) or the more basic Casablanca Café (1344 Danforth).

Coxwell – You don’t need no DeLorean when you’ve got the TTC. Go back to the past at the awesome Bus Terminal Diner (Danforth Ave). The floors are red and white checked. The ceiling is covered in old albums. And the cherry on the sundae is the original menu, reminiscent of the days when coffee was 20 cents and the “Boss Combo” was $1.65. Now if only the owner’s business sense had also been locked in a time capsule (no such luck: coffee is $1.25).

Woodbine – The Bartending School of Ontario (2159 Danforth Ave) is a university student’s dream classroom: courses are conducted at a realistic bar (no alcohol, only coloured water). If you’re in Toronto for a stretch, you can get certified as a bartender in two weeks. Otherwise, you might just want to peer through the window while a “flair bartending” session is on.

Main Street – Leopard hide, bear fur, mounted stag heads – seen it, seen it, seen it. But just when you thought decorating with death was getting dull, enter House of Embroideries and Crafts (2765 Danforth). They’ve got raccoon skulls, bullfrog skin and mounted tropical bird spiders. And just you wait until your neighbour sees that sting ray’s whiptail hanging over your mantelpiece.

Victoria Park – Finding an activity at Victoria Park station is a hole in one: Dentonia Park Golf Course (18 holes, par 3) is practically adjacent to the exit.

Warden – If Victoria Park is a hole in one, Warden is a ball hit backwards into a patch of stinging nettles that shrouds a beehive city. Luckily, the station itself rises to the occasion by playing a constant stream of classical music. And the homemade samosas and pastries at family-run Bakery on the Go remind you that Tim Horton’s did not invent the donut.

Kennedy – Unless you are a particular fan of the urban planning mistake known as the “strip mall,” don’t even bother exiting the station. Instead, take the direct route to Don Montgomery Community Centre. During the winter months, public skating sessions run regularly. In the off-season, you can rent the rink all to yourself. Just make sure you remove the Kurt Browning regalia before you venture into the wilds of Scarborough. Otherwise you might end up with a surprise round trip all the way back to #3 (Royal York).

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